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GLOBAL WARMING?

Science is looking for evidence.  It's been right under their nose all along!

Thanks to Ron Warren the World Traveler!

COWBOY IN A GAY BAR

Sent By Debbie Sanford

A cowboy walks into a bar, after two steps in he realizes it's a gay
bar. "What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name
of your willy?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a
drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me
the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan,
'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because
'It really Satisfies.'"

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give
him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left
who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on
tickin!'"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who
happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call
yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because
"Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next
to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY...'Like a Rock!'" And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes
up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and
exclaims,  "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look
asks, "Why  Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A
WOMAN!!!!!!

WHAT A DEAL!

Sent By Richard Gentry
 
The other day I came home and was gleefully greeted by my wife, dressed
only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.

"Tie me up, "  she purred,  "and you can do anything you want".....

?????

So, I tied her up and went fishing..............

Blonde Ice Fishing...

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools,
she headed toward the nearest frozen lake.

After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the
ice.

Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot
chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice.

The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then
she started another hole.

Once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''



The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?''



The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK!!"

It's Hunting Season in Idaho! Come Visit!

Above, Thanks to Sam Castimore!

Subject: A Chicken, A Horse, And A Harley Davidson

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to
sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer
for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no
avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys
in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still
had
time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope
The chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of
the
farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of
the
powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse and the
farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best
Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began
to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he
Could then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the
horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (Yes, there's a moral!)

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"

The Big Donor

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate at her
church.  This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity,
approached her.  "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a
week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't
need I give to the church."

The pastor replied...  "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said....  "Oh, $20,000 a week.

The pastor was amazed...  "Your son is very successful, what does he do for
a living?

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession," the pastor says.  "Where does he
practice?"

The old lady says proudly...."Well, he has two cat houses in Las Vegas and
one in Reno."

Dang Woman Drivers!

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my
left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour
with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway
over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!!

It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked
the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten
out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell
phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed
and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the dang phone and DISCONNECTED AN
IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!!

Dang Woman Drivers!

Subject: 3 Year Old

 A three year old boy in his bath examined his private's and asked,
 "Mommy, are these my brains?"
 Mom said, "Not yet, honey."

Drug Dog

A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man
with a Labrador Retriever occupies the two empty seats beside him.
The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at
the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing dog, the best there is;
I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man,
"Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds.
It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.
He says, "Good boy."

The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so
I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to
its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says,
"That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."

"I like it!" says the first man.

A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles.  Sniffer goes up
and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone.
He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the aisle and the seat.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained
sniffing dog and asks, "What the hell is going on with this stupid  dog?"

The handler nervously replies,
"He just found a bomb!"

Subject: Practice what you preach??? (funny)

An honest man was being tailgated by a
stressed-out woman on a busy Boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just
in front of him

He did the right thing, stopping at the
crosswalk, even though he could have beaten
the red light by accelerating through the
intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the
horn, screaming in frustration as she missed
her chance to get through the intersection
with him.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap
on her window and looked up into the face of
a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with
her hands up.  He took her to the police
station
where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed,
and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached
the cell and opened the door. She was escorted
back to the booking desk where the arresting
officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake.
You see, I pulled up behind your car while you

were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in
front of you, and cussing a blue streak at
him.
I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate
holder,
the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the
'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker,
and
the chrome- plated Christian fish emblem on the
trunk.....

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

Mental Fitness Week.... 20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At lunch time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses On And Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "IN."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Cheques, Write "For Sexual Favors"

7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't Use Any Punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, "Rock Hard".

17. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

     And The

Final Way

To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity . . . .

20. Copy and Paste This in an E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.........Its Called Therapy...

Subject: Got your 710? 

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

If you're not sure what a 710 is, click here. What is a 710?

Subject: Idaho


You Know You're from Idaho When...

The wind is faster than your truck.

Every other vehicle on the road is a 4x4.

When the sun goes down you start looking for your coat.

In March your vehicle is 43% mud.

You leave your keys in the car and the next morning it's still there.

You installed your new computer using a Leatherman tool

You hear the words "stream" or "brook" pronounced "crick."

The elevation of most towns exceeds the population.

You've broken down on the highway and somebody stops to help you.

You can see the stars at night.

People drive 200 miles to shop in a real mall.

Your great grandmother is older than the courthouse.

You got a set of snow tires for Valentines Day.

The bumper jack in your pickup will lift a house.

A girls' basketball game fills the gym.

A rodeo is more popular than a rock concert.

You can fish, golf, and go skiing all in the same day if you try hard
enough.

Yellow light means "follow the car in front of you no matter what."

Democrats are like salmon: on the endangered species list.

You wave to someone on the highway because you recognize the truck.

You talk about a combine and people don't wonder what you are putting
together.

In the spring every tenth car you pass is a tractor.

When the car in front of you is weaving you suspect a driver from the
neighboring  County instead of a drunk.

Maps and gloves are kept in your vehicle's "jockey box."

You have to wait for a flock of sheep to pass in front of you on the road.

You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Idaho friends.

A Child Baptized

After a hardy West Virginia rainstorm filled all the potholes in
the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little
boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older
of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his
head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered
and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a
panic.

Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?"
she says as she shook the older boy in anger.

"We were just playing 'church' mommy" he said. "I was baptizing
him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes.

Subject: 3 Year Old

 A three year old boy in his bath examined his privates and asked,
 "Mommy, are these my brains?"
 Mom said, "Not yet, honey."

SEX DRESS!

A new mother-in -law went to visit her new daughter-in -law last week, and being used to just knocking once on her sons door and then just walking in;   she did this not thinking anything about it,, there on the couch was the new daughter-in-law all streached out , necked as the day she was born with soft music playing and candles flickering,, the mother in law was kinda shocked to see her this way and ask,, " oh- my goodness"" what are you doing ?? the daughter in law replys,  oh''  I'm waiting for my husband to come home!   But your necked!!,, you don't have any clothes on!!     oh no"" the daughter explains "" this is my SEX dress"" when my husband sees me like this he just raveges me with love and we have the greatest sex ever, its beautiful,,,  so the mother-in-law goes home and takes a shower turns on some soft music and sprays some insence around, and lays on the couch bare ass necked,,,waiting for her husband to come home,,   finally he comes in the door and asks "" what the hell is going on ?? what are you doing??   well honey how do you like my sex dress??  IT needs ironing dear,,,whats for dinner???

Subject: MSDS Safety Label

Subject: Never Give up

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.

He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and  wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!
 
A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried  his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.
 
Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the  match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in  that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

Subject: cruise

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window,
"Cruise Special -- $99!". She goes inside, lays her money on the counter
and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."

The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large
inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river,
where he pushes her in and sends her floating.

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes
inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 cruise
special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the
river. Drifting into a stronger current, she eventually catches up with
the firs t blonde.

They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do
they serve refreshments on this cruise?
" The second blonde replies, "
They didn't last year."

Thanks, Kenny!

Blonde Joke's From Alaska Bruce

A Woman's Dream Rod!!

Would Vanna White Approve This?

Compliments of Deborah Sanford

REDNECK PILOT

Compliments of Kevin Snyder

Compliments of Gerry Young

Boy Scout Letter Home

Dear Mom & Dad

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried.  We are OK.  Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.  Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK.  He can't write because of the cast.  I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat.  We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been
for the lightning.  Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone.  Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?  The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did.  Also some of our clothes. David is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed.  It wasn't his fault about the wreck.  The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.  We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders.  It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.

He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy.  Don't worry, he is a good driver.  In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the
mountain roads where there isn't any traffic.  All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake.  Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe
across the lake.  It was great.  You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters.  He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what?  We have all passed our first aid merit badges.  When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.  Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.  He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.  I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.  He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

By the way, what is a pedophile?  I have to go now.  We are going to town to mail our letters and buy Vaseline.  Don't worry about anything.  We are fine.

Love, Cole

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM IDAHO IF......

 You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

You think that opening day of deer season is a national holiday.

Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway!

You install security locks on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

  Surgeon/Mechanic

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motor cycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic .... "Try doing it with the engine running!"

Redneck-Poetry

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a
redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to
study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word
they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the
microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The
redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three Ladies in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after
that is the beginning of a new argument.

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need

*What happens when a frog's car breaks down? It gets toad away..

 

*If you watch the way that many motorists drive you will soon reach the conclusion that the most dangerous part of a car is.... the nut behind the wheel!

 

*Two guys are out bowling. One says to the other, "With my wife, I'll never need a laxative."

"Because she makes you eat the right foods?" asks the other.

"No." Comes the reply. "Because she irritates the crap out of me!"

 

*What did the hillbilly get on his IQ test? Drool!

 

*What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.

 

*How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?

10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the M&Ms.

Observations:

*When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

*People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

*If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

 

Great Paint Job!

Julie, a blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money, so she decided to go to a nice neighborhood and look for odd jobs.

At one nice house, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Sure I have a job for you. How would you like to paint my porch?"

"That sounds great!" said Julie.

"How much will it cost?" asked the man.

"Is fifty dollars all right?" Julie asked.

"That's fine." He replied. "You'll find the paint and brushes in the garage, just let me know when you're done." He said, and then went back into his house.

About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the man.

"You painted the whole porch already?" he queried her.

"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"

"Oh, and by the way," she said, "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."

 

Red Neck Jokes

*You might be a redneck if...Fewer than half of your cars run.

*You might be a redneck if...You go to the DMV to transfer the title to your home.

*You might be a redneck if...Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of chicken and a sixpack.

*You might be a redneck if...The theme song at your high school prom was "Friends in Low Places".

*You might be a redneck if...Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.

*You might be a redneck if...You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

*You might be a redneck if...You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

*You might be a redneck if...Your gas cap is a rag.

*You might be a redneck if...The primary color of your car is "bondo".

*You might be a redneck if...The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road..."

*You might be a redneck if...You consider the styrofoam cooler one of the greatest inventions of all time.

Blonde Jokes

*She Was So Blonde That....she sold her car for gas money

*Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? In case she locks the keys in her car.

*Why do blondes have sunroofs in their cars? More leg room!

*How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.

*She Was So Blonde That.... she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind

 Misc Jokes

*Did you know......the best way for a wife to get her husband to give up golf is to play with him every day?

*...Anatomy is something everyone has, it just looks better on a girl?

*...If a man is too lazy to think for himself, he should get married?

*Yesterday's newspaper reported that scientists have revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of lager and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked incessantly without making sense, and couldn't drive..

Click to Send A Joke